I do?

I'm at a crossroads. 

I'm 30 and my boyfriend of four years wants to get married.

It's been a pretty serious point of conversation for the past month. Do we have a future?

Here's the problem. I've never thought about getting married. I was never the kid who dressed up in white and got married to Ken. I was never the college girl who cared about finding a boyfriend so I could be married with a home in Marin County by 25. That was just never me. Maybe that's because I'm the product of divorce or maybe it's because my family always asked me "When are you gonna get a job?" versus "When are you gonna get married?". 

So to me, not getting married isn't the end of our future. I can still see a future that includes a white picket fence and a family but I don't necessarily need to have a ring on my finger. But to Brian, the future is marriage. And because marriage isn't on my radar means I don't love him. 

So the question is, do I not want to get married now? Do I not want to get married ever? Or, do I not want to get married to Brian?

Deep shit for Christmas break huh?

Currently seeking a therapist. 

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